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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Satire: Let's Play Worldwide Preemptive War

Suppose someone had said to you that Nixon would never be impeached
so why bother? Well, guess what, Nixon was NOT impeached. He resigned
because the handwriting was on the wall. How shameful would it have
been to have not spoken out against Nixon in the face of his many
high crimes, on the premise that it would not actually happen? And
how shameful would it be if we were not to speak out in the face of
constitutional crimes that make Nixon look like a jaywalker. Are we
pushing this one action page too hard? Shame on us if we don't.

And now the comedy piece.

It's Time Once Again To Play Worldwide Preemptive War

Announcer: [cue peppy marching music] Here is it comes, the exciting
TV game all America is playing . . . whether they like it or not . .
. Worldwide Preemptive War, where members of our studio audience
compete for fantastic prizes, like getting out of here alive without
a serious injury. Our first contestant is Joe Grunt, from the Topeka,
Kansas National Guard . . . Come On Down!

Contestant 1: Hey, wait a minute, I just signed up for a weekend a

Announcer: [laughing] Read your contract, son, including the part
about stop loss extensions. And our second contestant is George W.
Bush from the Texas Air National Guard . . . Come On Down! . . .

Announcer: George W. Bush, Come On Down! . . . [pause] Now they're
telling me he never reported for duty after he was transferred out to
Alabama. OK then, Dick Cheney, Come On Down! . . .

Announcer: [pause] What do you mean he said he had other priorities?
Hell, just grab three more people without an "R" after their name . .
. And now . . . here's the star of our show . . . Booooooooob BURKA!

Bob Burka: Welcome to Worldwide Preemptive War, and the first item we
have up for bid is an invasion and occupation of Iraq, estimated to
take 6 days, or 6 weeks, I doubt 6 months. Who will guess the closest
to the real cost plus, without going over?

Contestant 1: I don't even want to go. I bid 100 billion, Bob, it
could never possibly be that much.

Contestant 2: 5 billion.

Contestant 3: 20 billion.

Contestant 4: One dollar, leave me out of it too.

Bob Burka: And the actual final cost of the Iraq war and occupation
to the American taxpayer is . . . at least 2 TRILLION DOLLARS.
Contestant 1, you WIN! You get to play our first game, "Kill An
Insurgent". And if you do, what do we have to give you today?

Announcer: It's a New Car!! . . . The latest model armored Humvee
with stylish V-shaped underbody to try to deflect some of the many
roadside IED explosions you're sure to encounter in your daily
patrols. The fact is, you'll be getting one of the very few of these
actually out there. A prize worth 150,000 dollars, for which the
Pentagon paid five times that much.

Bob Burka: You know how the game is played, you have 15 seconds to
open fire on anything that moves, and if you kill an insurgent, you
WIN! Go.

Contestant 1: Stop! [rat-tatta-tat] Halt! Don't Move! [ker-pow, boom]

Bob Burka: Well, let's see how you did . . . Oh, I'm so sorry, you
killed 19 civilians, including a family of four who could not
understand the commands you were shouting at them in English, but you
didn't get any insurgents. But wait . . . our judges have ruled that
because some of their RELATIVES will now join the insurgency . . .
you WIN! Let's have another contestant.

Announcer: Rush Limbaugh, Come On Down! . . .

Announcer: [pause] What are you talking about he had an ingrown hair
follicle on his butt, and can't have a job where he has to sit for
extended periods of time? Look, just draft . . . uh, I mean take,
some high school student with no other chance of sustaining
employment in this globally outsourced economy.

Bob Burka: Let's tell our contestants the next item up for bid.

Announcer: Now that we're in Iraq, next we want you to guess how many
more years we're going to have to stay there.

Contestant 1: One year, Bob.

Contestant 2: Three years.

Contestant 3: Two years.

Contestant 4: Bring the troops home now! [gets tackled by a dozen
security guards and dragged off the stage]

Bob Burka: And the actual length of the occupation is . . . at least
10 years, since none of the leading presidential candidates will even
promise we'll be out of there by 2013. You're a winner, Contestant 2!
And what do we have for you in our next game.

Announcer: It's a fabulous vacation in sunny Ramadi! . . . Yes, you
will be sent on an ENDLESS deployment to the city where the action
never stops, conveniently located in the famous Sunni Triangle, with
all your expenses paid EXCEPT for long term medical care and
rehabilitation, courtesy of the Walter Reed Army Hospital
bureaucracy. Estimated cost to the American taxpayer, 36 thousand a
year, unless you're a contract mercenary, in which case as much as
ten times that.

Bob Burka: Now, to win this prize all you have to do is guess which
of these quotes is a lie.

[Recording 1] We don't torture.

[Recording 2] We don't wiretap without a court order.

[Recording 3] We have not yet decided to bomb Iran.

Contestant 2: But, Bob, they're ALL lies.

Bob Burka: See how easy it is. You're going to Ramadi! And now we
come to our final Showcase. Behind one of the doors is an exit
strategy, but behind the other is yet more senseless and
counterproductive death and destruction. Contestant 1, you have
selected door on the left. Let's see what you've won.

Announcer: It's a hopeless quagmire!! . . . The proportion of the
Iraqi people who approve of attacks on Americans will increase
ultimately from the current 60 percent to a full 100, while the
homegrown insurgency continues to defeat billion dollar technology
with weapons improvised from the massive explosives stockpile they
looted just after the initial invasion.

Bob Burka: And behind the door on the right, what do we have for
Contestant 2?

Announcer: It's a full on regional conflagration precipitated by an
attack on Iran without evidence or justification, including the
possible fall of Pakistan to jihadist militants, putting operational
nuclear weapons in their hands immediately, plus collapse of the
global economy from skyrocketing oil prices, and asymmetric terrorist
attacks against American interests all around the world.

Bob Burka: Hey, let's give everybody BOTH showcases!

Contestant 2: But you promised there was an exit strategy.

Bob Burka: So I lied. We're not planning on leaving ever.

Bob Burka: [cue music out] Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another
Worldwide Preemptive War show. Until then, rest in peace! I mean, bye

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